The following post contains MASSIVE spoilers for the recently released Avengers: Infinity War. If you have not seen that movie, then please lock your computer, go to the nearest movie theater, and experience it for yourself.
Then come right back and continue reading.
And another thing:
WARNING THE SECOND!
The following is a rough outline (not a script) and is subject to change.
Much as I secretly hope it could be made into a finished product, I recognize that it’s probably not going to happen. Knowing this, I’ve allowed my imagination to run wild without limitations. If the result seems a little random, scatterbrained, and amateurish, that’s only natural.
With those out of the way, let’s dive right in.
Let’s Make a Movie
Last week, I had a billion-dollar movie idea while returning from a coworker’s birthday lunch.
Thanks to recent IP acquisitions by the Walt Disney company, this movie could feasibly be made. They don’t, however, have a lot of time to make it. But the major points of the story are easy enough (it wrote itself while I watched), and I see no reason to keep the details to myself. I want this movie to be made, even though it would take a miracle. So I am posting the story outline here, hoping for just such a miracle.
The movie begins with a written notice:
None of the events depicted in this movie are canon.
The studio logos are displayed, along with a few opening titles, and then we suddenly cut to action:
Ext. Wakanda Forest. Daytime
After murdering the Vision and taking the Mind Stone from his forehead, Thanos adds it to the Infinity Gauntlet, only to get hit square in the chest with Thor’s battleaxe.
Thanos: “You should have aimed for the head.”
Thanos snaps his fingers, and the scene changes.
INT. Muppet Studios. Right Before Showtime
Kermit the Frog and Gonzo are making their final preparations for tonight’s Muppet Show.
Kermit asks Gonzo if everything is ready for Miss Piggy’s surprise birthday party after the show, and Gonzo assures him that everything has been taken care of. He then asks Kermit what gift he’s gotten for Piggy. Kermit directs him to a box on a nearby table, which Gonzo hands to Kermit. The frog, with his back turned, opens the box…
…and Gonzo disintegrates into a pile of dust.
But Kermit, oblivious, reveals to the viewer the gift he was keeping inside the box: an ornate snowglobe—his gift for Miss Piggy’s birthday.
Finally turning around, Kermit thinks Gonzo has walked out on him, and innocently shrugs it off.
Miss Piggy is admiring herself in backstage vanity mirror, making sure that every detail of her hair and makeup is right. Scooter, the stage manager, approaches her from behind.
Scooter: “Five minutes until curtain, Miss Piggy.”
Piggy waves off the warning without concern, wondering aloud what all of her friends are planning for her birthday, all too aware that she may be getting a surprise party. She wonders aloud what kind of fancy gold jewelry Kermit has gotten her as a gift, and in her reflection she sees herself decked out in diamonds and other precious stones.
She distractedly hands a spray bottle to Scooter, asking him to spritz the back of her head.
And Scooter disintegrates into a pile of dust.
But Piggy is too captivated by her own reflection to notice. When she turns to find Scooter gone, she is quite cross.
Disintegrations all Around
In a quick montage, we see muppets disintegrating left and right in comic and conveniently timed ways, leaving their surrounding friends unaware that anything horrible has happened.
These vignettes happen at rapid fire pace, and may even be incorporated into a musical number about the excitement for getting ready to perform. But by the time the gag is over, the following muppets are dead:
- Rizzo the Rat
- The Swedish Chef
- Bobo the Bear
- Uncle Deadly
- Lew Zealand
- Every member of the Electric Mayhem except for Animal.
- Pretty much all the extras and lesser known background characters.
Every disintegration happens while Kermit and the other surviving muppet’s backs are turned, leaving them blissfully unaware that anything has gone wrong. Meanwhile, everyone is excited for the approaching performance, as the opening musical number reaches what should be its climax, then suddenly stops for the big moment.
Kermit pops out of the show’s title.
Kermit: “It’s the Muppet Show, with special guest…”
Before he can finish his sentence, we cut to a shot of the Muppet Show audience, as every last one of them—the entire packed house—disintegrates into dust. We are then briefly treated to the image of Kermit hanging there, inside a giant letter “O”, with his mouth hanging agape.
Cut to black, where the movie’s title appears from the shadows.
INT. Muppet Studios. Several hours later.
All the surviving muppets are losing their minds.
They begin to notice the strange piles of dust that are everywhere backstage. They call out the names of the deceased muppets. Some of them wonder if they’re going to die next, culminating in a tearful plea from Fozzie.
Fozzie: “Mr. The Frog, I don’t feel so good.”
He comically grabs a hold of Kermit.
Fozzie: “Mr. The Frog, I don’t want to go. Don’t let me go.”
Fozzie: “There are so many things I have left to do. I want to live, Kermit. I’ve got to live.”
Kermit: “Fozzie, you’re not dying. Calm down.”
After fighting his way out of Fozzie’s smothering bear hug, Kermit turns to the assembled muppets and tells them to all remain calm. He then asks if anyone knows what is going on.
Dr. Bunsen: “Well, I have one idea…which I got from watching TV. Let’s have a look.”
Dr. Bunsen turns on a local news report, which summarizes the battle of Wakanda, Thanos, and the fact that half of the world’s population has been eradicated.
A collective gasp rises from the surviving muppets.
Fozzie: “Well, I guess that not’s so bad. If it’s only half of the world’s population…”
The newscast cuts to images of helicopters flying into buildings, planes falling from the sky, ambulances sliding off roads, and all sorts of mayhem resulting from the sudden deaths of so many people.
Fozzie: “No, I was wrong. Really, really wrong.”
The gathered muppets cry and moan, particularly the ones from pairs that have been split up.
Pepe the King Prawn is devastated at the loss of Rizzo.
Camilla is beside herself without Gonzo.
Statler sets up a mean joke about the muppets that have died, but without Waldorf to deliver the punchline, he’s left high and dry.
But Dr. Bunsen is the most distraught of all, as he simply cannot process the loss of his lab assistant, Beaker.
“Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi.”
Dr. Bunsen: “Beaker! Is that really you?”
Miss Piggy: “Hmph. I’m not some cheap lab assistant. I was trying to remind you all about what’s really important: Me. Me me me me me me me me. How are we going to celebrate my birthday when all my friends are dead?”
Kermit: “There must be something we can do.”
Dr. Bunsen: “I wouldn’t be so sure. This Thanos fellow is pretty hardcore. Just look at him.”
The newsfeed shows a closeup of Thanos’s face.
Kermit: “That purple skin.”
Miss Piggy: “That outrageous outfit.”
Fozzie: “I know. He should try out for the muppets.”
Everyone glares at Fozzie.
The glares smoulder.
Fozzie: “We’re pretty shorthanded right now. We need all the help we can get.”
But Kermit will have none of that. He insists that none of their friends can be replaced.
Miss Piggy: “Well then, stupid frog, you had better get them back.”
Kermit: “Get them back? I can’t raise the dead. You know I’d love to get Gonzo and the others back from wherever they went, but we have no way of knowing where that even is.”
The newsfeed conveniently cuts back into the conversation.
Muppet Newsman: “This just in. We are getting word that Mephisto, Lord of the Underworld, has prepared a statement about the recent casualties. Here for comment is the infernal lord of evil himself, Mephisto.”
Mephisto, long time Marvel Comics villain, appears in the news feed, played by…oh, I dunno…some Christopher Walken type of actor, which pretty much narrows the possibilities to…just Christopher Walken.
Mephisto: “Thank you, Mister Newsman. You have my condolences. You all have my condolences during this trying time. But let me assure you, that despite the tremendous volume of new souls in the pipeline, we have a guaranteed place for all of your loved ones, down in my kingdom of Heck.”
Muppet Newsman: “Sorry, don’t you mean Hel…?”
Mephisto: “No, I mean Heck. This is a family film.”
Muppet Newsman: “Right. Sorry.”
As the interview ends, the muppets are faced with a grim truth: if they want to bring all the other muppets back from the dead, they are going to have to literally dig them out of Heck.
Meanwhile, at the News Studio
Mephisto unclips the microphone from his lapel, shakes the hand of the Muppet Newsman, and then steps away from the newsdesk to the edge of the room, where his demonic henchmen (new muppets with red horns and pointed tails) await.
Demonic Henchman 1: “You were great, boss.”
Demonic Henchman 2: “Yeah, the world can rest easy, knowing that their loved ones are safely being tortured for all eternity at your loving hands.”
Mephisto: “Someone’s gunning for a promotion.”
Mephisto smiles a Christopher-Walkenish smile.
Mephisto: “You’ll stop that if you know what’s good for you.”
Demonic Henchman 2 audibly gulps.
Demonic Henchman 1: “Sheesh, boss. Why the foul mood? I mean, you finally have everything you want.”
Mephisto: “What I want is that Infinity Gauntlet.”
The Demonic Henchmen exchange a troubled look.
Mephisto: “I didn’t even believe it existed, until that putz, Thanos, got hold of it. And what does he do with unlimited power? Wipes out half the of all life. HALF, because he’s too much of a coward to go all the way. Now it’s up to us to finish the job. We are going to drag the remaining half of the universe down to Heck. You are going to get that gauntlet for me.”
Demonic Henchmen: “You got it, boss.”
And that’s it for part 1 of this post. Look for part 2 to drop on Wednesday, in lieu of my usual Netflixing review.
UPDATE: Part 2 has officially launched. You can find it here.
UPDATE: Part 3 has officially launched. You can find it here.