Muppets, Infinity War, Part 3

This is the third installment of my movie proposal.

For part 1, click here.

For part 2, click here.


WARNING!

The following post contains MASSIVE spoilers for the recently released Avengers: Infinity War. If you have not seen that movie, then please lock your computer, go to the nearest movie theater, and experience it for yourself.

Then come right back and continue reading.


WARNING THE SECOND!

The following is a rough outline (not a script) and is subject to change.

Much as I secretly hope it could be made into a finished product, I recognize that it’s probably not going to happen. Knowing this, I’ve allowed my imagination to run wild without limitations. If the result seems a little random, scatterbrained, and amateurish, that’s only natural.


As we cut away from Thanos’s bathroom, we return to the muppets, currently unable to escape from Heck and still quarreling about their predicament.

Miss Piggy is distraught.

Fozzie is trying to make light of the situation.

Rowlf is just snarling at everyone.

And soon they are all captured, as Mephisto’s demonic henchmen go for the one option they have not yet tried: a big net.

And the entire crew (sans Kermit) are dragged before Mephisto to account for their intrusion.

INT. Mephisto’s Throne Room, Heck

The Snowths are delighted by the return of Mahna Mahna, even though they are all in chains.

Phil Coulson is not quite so delighted at seeing everyone captured. He begs Mephisto to let the muppets go, since they pose no real threat to him.

But Mephisto hardly cares whether a soul is dangerous or not. Torment is his job description, after all, and he starts listing out all the horrible tortures he has in store for the muppets: lava, snakes, spiders, medieval torture devices, live-action remakes of Disney animated films.

With each escalating threat, the muppets gasp a little louder and higher, until a few of them faint from the horror of it all.

But Miss Piggy is defiant.

Miss Piggy: “You think we’re scared of you, old man? Do your worst.”

Mephisto: “My worst, eh? Well, I’ll try my best.”

Mephisto glides forward, vampire-like, with a gnarled claw extended.

Miss Piggy flinches.

But right before he can harm her, the giant drill vehicle comes rumbling into the throne room. It stops just shy of Mephisto’s face before Kermit the Frog pops out of the side hatch.

Miss Piggy: “Kermie!”

Dr. Bunsen: “But wait: how did you start the drill without the keys?”

Kermit: “I had a little help.”

Inside the vehicle, we see Deadpool fidgeting with some exposed wires.

Deadpool: “Don’t tell me you’ve never hotwired a giant drill.”

Mephisto is understandably unhappy with this development and demands that Kermit tell him what they’re all doing here. Kermit looks at Director Coulson, then back at Mephisto.

Kermit: “Truth be told, we came here to cheat death and spring our friends out of Heck. But after being here a while, and seeing all that your kingdom has to offer, I’ve come up with a better idea.”

Mephisto is intrigued, but reserved.

Kermit: “It is my understanding that you’re going to have a lot more people moving in soon. It so happens that me and my friends are world-class entertainers. Mr. Mephisto, it seems that the best possible place for us to be is right here, so we can put on a show for you and all the countless souls you have collected.”

Mephisto glowers at Kermit. The frog audibly gulps.

After a tense moment, the lord of Heck throws up his hands.

Mephisto: “Finally, someone has an idea! It’s been ages since we had a good show.” Conspiratorially, he whispers to Kermit. “The henchdemons did Fiddler last year, and at the time I gave it five stars, but, to be honest, it was an unmitigated disaster. You know how henchdemons are.”

Kermit: “I absolutely do.”

And speaking of henchdemons, a couple of them rush into the throne room at that very moment to present him with the Infinity Gauntlet.

But as the gauntlet is currently in ruins (which you’ll know if you saw the ending of Avengers: Infinity War), Mephisto determines that it needs refurbishing before he can use it. Without a second thought, he sends it to his tailor, arguing that it will take about the same time to repair the gauntlet as it will for the muppets to finish preparations for a dress rehearsal.

The other muppets, however, are not pleased with this plan at all. They all think Kermit’s gone crazy, choosing to perform for Mephisto rather than getting everyone back to the surface world.

Fozzie: “And don’t we need a guest star?”

Miss Piggy: “That’s right. We can’t put on a show without a celebrity guest.”

Kermit nods, then turns to Deadpool, who is just dusting himself off as he steps out of the drill vehicle.

Kermit: “Well, Deadpool. Are you ready to star in your own episode of The Muppet Show?”

Deadpool: “Don’t you think this cameo’s gone on long enough? I really should be getting back to something more…R-rated. There are some choice swears I wish I was saying right now, and every minute I don’t say them…”

Kermit interrupts.

Kermit: “You realize that the show is just a diversion, right? While Mephisto is distracted, we’re going to steal the Infinity Gauntlet.”

Deadpool: “Yeah, so?”

Kermit: “So with the power of the gauntlet, you could make this movie R-rated. In fact, you could make all our movies R-rated.”

For a brief moment, we are treated to Deadpool’s inner thoughts, and in them we see images of previous Muppet movies with Deadpool digitally inserted into them. He invades Muppet Treasure IslandThe Great Muppet Caper, The Muppets Take ManhattanMuppets from Space, and Muppets Most Wanted.

Deadpool’s eyeholes narrow suggestively.

Deadpool: “Alright, I’m in.

Time for a Rehearsal Montage

Standard stuff, really. The uniting joke is the difficulty that comes from the location. How do you rehearse for a show when all your props are melting from the heat and swarms of bats swoop through the performance at any given moment. Etc. Etc.

Also, Deadpool has never done anything like this before, and his go-to response toward anything he doesn’t understand is to shoot it to pieces with his dual handguns.

Meanwhile, Kermit is also briefing everyone on how to sneakily take the Infinity Gauntlet before Mephisto can get his hands on it. The plan revolves around a rotation schedule, where anyone who is not currently performing on stage is on the lookout for the gauntlet to return from Mephisto’s tailor.

Poor Director Coulson, meanwhile, is chained to a stalagmite chair. When the performers ask him for suggestions, he says, “Yeah: get me the Heck outta here!” Upon which the Snowths pop up and accompany his lamentations.

But when Miss Piggy’s set comes up, she refuses to get on stage. In her “dressing room” (really just the cavern where her luggage was dropped), she is irritated to no end that everyone has forgotten about her birthday to obsess over some stupid gauntlet.

Kermit and the others are only able to persuade her after reminding her that everyone in Heck (meaning half of the entire universe) will be watching. She resentfully agrees, wishing Kermit would take just a little time away from his show to spend with her.

The Climax Begins

We see a fully repaired and cleaned up Infinity Gauntlet placed on a velvet pillow and carted away from the tailor by demonic henchmen.

Meanwhile, the crowd starts filing in for the final dress rehearsal. Mephisto is seated upon his dark throne, and all the residents of Heck, namely the dead Marvel characters who made cameos earlier, file into their seats.

From behind the curtain, Kermit takes one last look at Mephisto, then hurries to his place, popping out of the giant “O” in the show’s title.

Kermit: “It’s the Muppet Apocalypse Special, with special guest Deadpool. Yaaaaaaaay.”

The music starts up, and both the in-world audience and the audience watching the movie are treated to a few fun, Muppet-style sketches.

Miss Piggy sings atop a grand piano played by Rowlf.

Gonzo performs death-defying stunts with lava and stalactites.

Deadpool shows off his sharpshooting skills, Annie-Oakley-style.

And all the while, Scooter is keeping an eye out with his opera glasses for any sign of the gauntlet arriving.

And then Fozzie’s set begins.

The Geezers on the Balcony

As Fozzie appears on stage, Statler and Waldorf are perched on a limestone balcony dripping with stalactites. Before the set even begins, the two are already lamenting the coming travesty, insisting that they already know the bear’s routine.

Fozzie steps up to the microphone. Strangely enough, his first joke is not some lame pun, but sharp, pithy setup with a dynamite punchline.

The audience erupts in laughter, but Statler and Waldorf just sit there in stunned silence.

Fozzie tells another joke, and it’s even better than the first. The entire house laughs and applauds, but Statler and Waldorf are freaking out, rubbing their eyes and looking around like they’re not quite sure if anything is real.

Fozzie tells a third joke, even pithier and more gut-busting than the first two. At which point we cut back to the balcony, where a freak snowstorm has started to fall on the two would-be hecklers.

Waldorf: “Well, it finally happened.”

Statler: What happened?”

Waldorf: “Heck froze over.”

Statler: “Heck froze…” [His confused look changes to a twinkle of recognition as he finally gets the joke.] “Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.

Waldorf: “Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.”

The Gauntlet Arrives

Peering through his opera glasses, Scooter spies the approach of the cart bearing the Infinity Gauntlet. He signals Kermit, who sends the remaining muppets discreetly into the audience as he begins his own set.

The other muppets covertly sneak into the audience, and in the middle of Kermit’s performance, Mephisto stands up and calls everything to a halt.

The show stops. The lights come up. Mephisto walks around the audience to greet the cart bearing the Infinity Gauntlet as soon as it enters. He reaches for it.

But it gets snatched by Pepe and Rizzo.

The chase begins as Mephisto orders his demonic henchmen to apprehend the pair, but Pepe has an idea.

Pepe: “Quick, wish for somezing!”

Rizzo: “What?”

Pepe: “It eez a magic glove zat grants wishes. So wish for somezing—anyzing!”

Rizzo: “I wish for cheese!”

Instantly, the two are buried in an avalanche of cheese.

Pepe glares at Rizzo.

Rizzo: “You said anything.”

The demonic henchman snatch the gauntlet from the now-trapped duo…only to be intercepted by the Swedish Chef.

But the chef is quickly surrounded, so he punts the gauntlet over the heads of the entire audience…

…into the hands of Mephisto.

But Mephisto is assaulted by Animal, who wraps himself around the devil’s face and bites down until the gauntlet is dropped.

It falls into Director Coulson’s lap, and he tries fitting the gauntlet onto his shackled hand.

But a swooping Heck-bat takes it from him.

But the bat is stopped by Gonzo, flying from the mouth of a cannon to intercept it.

Plastered against the ceiling again, Gonzo tries tossing the gauntlet to Kermit, but it lands just short of the frog, on the muppets stage, right between Deadpool and Miss Piggy.

For one moment, Miss Piggy stares at the gauntlet, the sparkling Infinity Stones catching her eye, the golden material of the glove sparkling under the stage lights. It looks a lot like the gold jewelry she was fantasizing about at the beginning of the movie.

She locks eyes with Deadpool, and they both sprint toward the gauntlet. Deadpool grabs it first, but Piggy karate kicks it out of his hand and catches the gauntlet as it falls.

Miss Piggy gets the Infinity Gauntlet

The most powerful artifact in the Marvel universe crackles with a rainbow of powers as it slips onto Miss Piggy’s hands. Idly, she wonders aloud:

Miss Piggy: This is the Infinity Gauntlet? Nobody told me it would be this pretty. If only it weren’t so big and bulky.”

Responding to her silent wish, the gauntlet shrinks down and changes into a simple glove of golden silk, with each Infinity Stone set into rings on her fingers. Piggy gasps, delighted.

Mephisto: “Why is everyone standing around? Get that gauntlet back!”

Miss Piggy: “Hold it right there, buster.”

Piggy’s glove starts to glow, and Mephisto and all his minions instantly turn to stone. Everyone around here looks on in awe.

Dr. Bunsen: “Excellent work. Now let’s use the gauntlet’s power to free everyone.”

Piggy rounds on the doctor and magically sends him flying to the edge of the stage where he is instantly tied up with ropes.

Gonzo: “What are you doing, Miss Piggy?”

Suddenly, Gonzo finds himself similarly tied up.

One after another, Rowlf, Janice, Fozzie, Lew Zealand, Dr. Teeth, Beaker, The Swedish Chef, and a dozen other muppets try to get Miss Piggy to surrender the Infinity Gauntlet, only to get captured.

Miss Piggy: “All day, I have been following other people’s plans. I’ve been led around long enough.”

The pillars of Heck rumble with Miss Piggy’s indignation, as the gauntlet’s power spirals out of control.

Kermit: “Piggy, stop this.”

Miss Piggy backhands him with a bejeweled fist.

Miss Piggy: “Stupid frog.”

Kermit, however, lands conveniently next to Gonzo, who has an idea.

Gonzo: “The gift! The one you got for her birthday!”

Kermit nods, then approaches Miss Piggy again.

Kermit: “Piggy?”

Miss Piggy: WHAT?!

Kermit: “I know this hasn’t been a very good day for you. I feel bad that it turned out this way. But, all the same, I just wanted to wish you a…a happy birthday.”

Meekly, he offers her the musical snowglobe. It plays “Rainbow Connection” as he lovingly places it in her hands. Miss Piggy stares a moment at the gift, taking in the tinny music playing from it.

She turns back to Kermit, expression bright.

Miss Piggy: “Oh, Kermie…”

Kermit’s expression brightens, but then we see Miss Piggy’s face scrunch up in disgust.

Miss Piggy: “…you should have known this didn’t have a snowglobe’s chance in Heck of impressing me.”

Furious, she throws the gift down, shattering it into a thousand pieces.

Miss Piggy: “After all I’ve been through, I think I deserve the best birthday ever, and with this baby,” [She flaunts the gauntlet.] “I can make that happen all by myself.”

Miss Piggy Takes over the Universe

Using the power of the gauntlet, Miss Piggy brings Director Coulson, Deadpool, and all the muppets back to the land of the living.

They arrive just in time to see all the changes she’s made. Miss Piggy’s face is plastered on every billboard. She has her own Oprah-style talk show. She’s an A-list Hollywood actress and recording star, with one million gold records and her own fashion line.

The entire living population of planet Earth is forced to turn away from their current grief to worship the Aphroditean image of Miss Piggy, in all its commercialistic glory, with the full devotion of every purse and wallet.

The Earth is now her empire, as she gets idolized on every screen. The remaining muppets are just her backup singers and dancers on the stage, and her indentured servants off of it.

The Resolution

Miss Piggy now has everything she has ever wanted…except for one. Turning to Kermit the Frog, she implores him to join her, as her royal consort, so that they can rule the universe together for all eternity.

Kermit refuses.

She begs him. She entices and tries to bribe him. She berates and humiliates him, before simply demanding that he accept her proposal and marry her on the spot.

Finally, Dr. Bunsen and the other muppets suggest that she simply use the gauntlet’s power to force Kermit to accept and marry her, telling her that it’s the only way.

But Miss Piggy doesn’t want that. Exhausted, she makes an admission.

Miss Piggy: “If I force him to say yes, then he’s only giving me my own answer. It has to come from him.”

And, sobered by the grim reality of her situation, she calms down.

Here, Kermit and the other muppets appeal to her humanity through a touching musical number about their history with Miss Piggy, what brought them together in the first place, and how such alchemy can never be recreated.

The big decision looms, until finally…

A Happy Ending

Miss Piggy comes to her senses, and restores the world to how it was right before the muppets went to Heck, with the one difference being that none of the muppets are dead anymore.

With a wave of the Infinity Gauntlet, she repairs the shattered snowglobe and accepts it gratefully, then wishes the Infinity Gauntlet away.

Phil: “I suppose we’re just going to ignore the remaining billions of people who died.”

Kermit shrugs.

Kermit: “I’m sure the Avengers can handle that part.”

At Muppet Studios, the entire gang settles down to throw Miss Piggy a birthday party. They have their cake and eat it, too.

With everything finally settled, one lingering question remains.

Fozzie: “Now that we’ve been to Heck and back, what could possibly be next for the Muppets.”

Kermit: “Well, I can think of one thing.”

All at once, the scene changes to a starry background, as the Star Wars closing credits theme plays while the movie’s credits roll.

THE END.

Final Thoughts

This has been my movie proposal for Muppets: Infinity War.

Though the chances of such a movie ever existing are next to nil, the various pieces came together so well that I couldn’t help but share this outline with the entire world.

And it is an outline—a skeleton that would need some serious help from writers more familiar with Muppets and Marvel properties than I am, if it were ever to become a reality.

Still, as an exercise, I believe it demonstrates that even two highly different continuities can find common ground, tethered together with humor, plot structure, and an understanding of what makes each so great. I believe that movies in this same vein could be successful, if they were given a chance.

And since, from the very beginning, we make it clear to the audience that this movie will be unconstrained by canon, I can’t help but feel that it could actually be pulled off, if the people in charge had the will to do it.

But in the meantime, I’m just glad it exists in its current form, for anyone to see.

Thank you all for reading this far.

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