The Trial, Part 1

It feels like we’ve been here forever.

Mr. Devil’s Advocate: “The wheels of justice turn slowly. Trust me: this is normal.”

I guess it doesn’t matter what happens here. As long as they kill me with dignity, I won’t complain.

Mr. DA: “Woah, woah, woah. We’ve talked about this. Nothing bad is going to happen. I have defended Lucifer himself in courts all across the world, and I never fail to get my client off the hook. How much easier for someone who I know is innocent?”

Funny how that doesn’t reassure me. Should I be proud of having the devil’s own lawyer working my case?

Mr. DA: “You’re asking the wrong question. People don’t need virtuous lawyers. They need effective ones. And you hit the gold mine with me.”

I still have a bad feeling about this.

Mr. DA: “Good. Use that to look contrite. People love it when you’re sad.”

That has me rethinking some of my life choices.

Bailiff: “All rise.”

Mr. DA: “And here we go.”

Bailiff: “The court is now in session, the honorable Justice Byclericalerror presiding.”

Justice who?

Mr. DA: “I advise you not to make fun of his name. The Byclericalerror dynasty has a long and storied history, and the family is powerful in this state.”

Justice Byclericalerror: “Be seated.”

Bailiff: “Your honor, today’s case is the United States of America v. Thomas Alan Horne.”

JB: “Are both the prosecution and defense ready?”

Mr. DA: “Your honor, the defense stands ready to proceed with the trial, but…the prosecution has not yet arrived. Given the circumstances, I have to wonder if the state is unable to prosecute my client.”

JB: “Nice try, Counsel, but we are aware of the state’s reason for tardiness. There has been…a last minute change to the docket.”

Mr. DA: “Excuse me?”

JB: “I’m afraid the prosecutor has been…waylaid by an act of God, and will not be joining us. Luckily, a replacement has been appointed.”

Mr. DA: “And why was I not informed? Your honor, this is most irregular. I demand to know who is prosecuting this trial.”

JB: “Oh, I believe you are already familiar with her….”


*Bump, bump-pa-dum, bump-pa-dum, bump-pa-dum-pa-dum-pa-dum.” Where is that drum music coming from?

*Bump, bump-pa-dum, bump-pa-dum, bump-pa-dum-pa-dum-pa-dum.”
Mr. DA: “Oh no.”

*Bump, bump-pa-dum, bump-pa-dum, bump-pa-dum-pa-dum-pa-dum.”

Am I missing something? Does the courthouse share a wall with a big-band jazz club?

Mr. DA: “I’m afraid you don’t understand. This…is bad. Very, very bad.”

Well, can you do better than give me a vague foreboding about it?

Mr. DA: “You’ll see soon enough.”

See what, exactly?

Mr. DA: “Here she comes.”

JB: “The court recognizes the prosecutor in the case of USA v. T. Alan Horne. You’ve kept us waiting, Miss Downarrow.”

Prosecutor Downarrow: “Occupational hazard, your honor. But rest assured that I am prepared, and all too glad to fill in.” *Glides across the courtroom to her seat.* “We have no objections to proceeding.”

Sorry, am I supposed to know who she is? We have a different prosecutor, sure, but the case itself hasn’t changed. What’s the big deal?

Mr. DA: “You have no idea.”

PD: *Swivels her chair to face the defense.* “Hey, baby.”


Mr. DA: “Uh…hey, Valerie. Nice to see you again.”

PD: *Mouths the words:* “Miss you.”

Okay, you have three seconds to explain what’s going on.

Mr. DA: *Sigh* “Fine. Mr. Horne, this is…an old friend, who just happens to be the most ruthless prosecutor on Earth, and who has never lost a case.”

You mean she’s your…

Mr. DA: “My ex, yes.”

Great. Just my luck.

To be continued… (Read part 2 here.)