What I Wish I could Put in my Queries
You do not know who I am.
Oh, don’t worry: I’m not complaining. Naturally, I also don’t know who you are, so we’re square.
And the fact that you don’t know me isn’t honestly a problem. There are billions of people you do not know and will never know. And you can live your whole life that way without any tragic consequences.
No, the real problem is that there is no realistic way for you get to know me. Even if occasion calls for us to become acquainted, even if the fate of the world depends on us somehow becoming more than strangers, we can’t. Because I’m a riddle wrapped in an enigma, and you are a nebulous cloud floating through a universe of pure ideas.
And it’s not just the two of us. Neuroscience tells us that we don’t actually interact with anyone. We each have our own hallucination of who the other person is, and we interact with that. You never really meet your mother, your son, or your friends. You only have discourse with the version of these people that exists in your imagination. It leads to all sorts of misunderstandings, and there is no way around it.
And, knowing these obstacles, just how is anyone supposed to write a useful query letter?
Query Letter?
For the book publishing business, a query letter is something of a statement of intent. In it, the author seeks representation (or publication) for a written work. These letters are usually sent to literary agents, as an inquiry as to whether they would be receptive to rendering their services to the author.
Basically, you’re begging someone to help you get published.
And not just someone, but a total stranger. You are asking a person to go into business with you, sight unseen. And you have to do it…in a single page.
Not joking: this is standard practice in the industry.
And, as you might expect, this practice is wildly inefficient, psychologically damaging, and a huge drain on the bottom line of the publishing ecosystem. The only reason it persists is because better alternatives have not been invented yet.
The one-page restriction is particularly thorny. It’s a necessity for agents, considering the mass of query letters they receive every year. And yet one page won’t let you know who you’re getting into business with. That one page contains maybe a paragraph of biographical information, maybe three paragraphs about the book, and the rest is just boilerplate.
These restrictions, both on the length and the content of query letters, can obscure many of the stronger qualities of a work and its author. I am, unfortunately, not in a position to change this system.
But what I do have is a platform. My megaphone is louder than most, and there are things about me that the standard query letter cannot convey. I’m thinking it would be wrong to hide them under a bushel. So without further ado, here the things I wish I could put in my query letters (but am not allowed to).
#1: I Have the Resources to Make My Book a Success
The effort of selling books often exceeds the effort of writing them. Sales are a function of timing, buzz, and fire (passion, if you prefer).
A lot of first-time authors go into this mine field unprepared. The process is more complicated than merely propping your book up on a table and talking to passersby about it. The more battle-hardened authors have strategies. They hold contests, pass out customized propaganda for their books, get interviewed, and pull other stunts for publicity.
There is, however, a place beyond even these successful tactics, but they require resources—resources that most authors simply don’t have.
In a query letter, there is neither space nor occasion to mention what a cunning marketer you are (and it can’t be said directly without sounding like a total bluff), but if I could, I would alert agents to the fact that I have resources—monetary and otherwise—to get my book’s name in the mouths of people who matter, and to cause a little bit of public pain in all the right places, as a means of getting eyes on the work.
#2: Technology is On My Side
In a world where all networks are tied together, information travels faster than light. Granted, the signal-to-noise ratio poses a threat to any message you want to broadcast, but these things can always be negotiated.
Now, there are a lot of tech-savvy authors there. Or, at least, there are enough that one more might not be enough to impress you. But I wouldn’t be a clever hacker if I relied on tech savvy alone.
Social engineering is the real skeleton key of society, and campaigns aren’t something you just run. Rather, they need to be orchestrated.
In my query letters, I wish I could say just how much I am going to choreograph the movement of information surrounding my book. This will require some fires to be lit, but rest assured I will always be seen putting them out.
#3: I’m Not just an Artist. I’m an Entertainer
I love public speaking. I love doing it live or as part of a broadcast. And the thing I love most about it is not dispensing information, but in synchronizing a crowd’s thoughts and feelings.
All the great entertainers know how to do this. Every late night host, every stand up comic, and more than a few actors, DJs, anchors, and stage magicians. It’s all the same art form as far as the human Id is concerned.
If I could put anything in my query letters, I would let the agent know that I’m not going to embarrass them when it comes to making appearances and advocating for my book. Because I am going to be its fiercest advocate. And I know how to work a crowd.
#4: Did I Mention I Have a Megaphone?
My current platform is the fruition of many years’ labor. It took a long time, but I am not in a position where I can not only force my voice to be heard in any forum, but where I can create new fora spontaneously, and lead the discussion from there.
In my query letters, I don’t point out that I have a bigger following than the agent I’m querying (that would be rude), but I make sure to leverage my following at every opportunity to let people know that I am available. As a squeaky wheel, I’ve begun catching attention.
If that platform isn’t big enough to impress you, then be aware that it’s growing. If that’s still not good enough, then I can always buy someone else’s platform and speak from their pulpit. I will ring as many bells as it takes until one resonates with the world.
Speaking of which…
#5: I Am Dedicated to this Endeavor
Here I use the word “dedicated” in the classical sense. I have set myself apart from all else to undertake this work. This is a do or die proposition for me.
A big part of my job is to protect YOU, the agent, from risk. As a rule, most new entrants into any professional field are a liability. All the training and mistake cleanup they require becomes a drag on a company until they come into their own.
In a query letter, I can’t just come out and say I”m an excellent writer. It’s presumptuous to the point where I’m daring the agent to prove me wrong.
Of course, I am an exceptional writer. But then, most agents already know many exceptional writers. They may have a dozen or so already on their roster. And even if they don’t, they know plenty of other agents who do. Excellent writers are not hard to come by in the publishing industry (if they were, it wouldn’t be much of an industry).
But I want you to know I have come prepared. When my time comes, I will hit the ground at full speed. And you’re going to see just how much I have to bring to the table.
I am More than Just My Query
And I wish more than anything that I could demonstrate that while seeking representation. There’s a lot more to me than what I can fit in one page. And there is certainly a great deal more to my book than what I can tell in a summary.
I have little hope than any agent will actually read this post, but if they do, then I want you to know that I am going to bring tools to the table. I know you’re not a babysitter. You’re looking for a partner, and I can be that ideal partner, if you give me a chance.
You’re going to get something better than you expect with me. That’s my promise to you.
Thanks for reading all the way to the end.
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I tried to read this post as though I was a literary agent and I came away with a bad taste in my mouth.
First thought: If you’re such a good marketer why not self publish and realize your ambitions as a writer that way? If you really do have the resources and means at your disposal to be successful why do you need my means and resources? Yes, having me as an associate would give you some publishing cred but I would take a big cut of whatever money you managed to make. If you’re as good as you say you are, why not eliminate the middle man?
Second thought: You say that you’d protect my interests, and that is nice, but how are you going to make me look good? I’m not just looking for an author than can turn a profit—staying in the green is feasible even for an author of pedestrian talents. No, what I really want is an author I can brag about to editors and my fellow agents. Why would I brag about having you on my roster?
Third thought: If I did take you on as a client, would you listen to me and take my advice? I have had bad experiences with writers who think they already know what it takes to make it in publishing when they’ve never had any first-hand experience or proven track record. They always end up complaining to me about my performance, and ultimately blaming me when things go wrong. Clearly you have very high opinion of yourself, but I don’t know if I can live up to your lofty expectations.
Full disclosure, I am not an agent, but take that for what it’s worth.
I suppose I could be more reasonable and take the road of self-deprecation, since that’s worked for…no one.
You don’t get a megaphone by not insisting you deserve it. Talking yourself up is standard practice, not just in publishing.
Having resources of your own does not automatically make self-publishing a better path.
Seeking to become someone an agent can “brag about” is far more pretentious than anything I put in this article.
And agents are hardly afraid of encountering a competent author. The great stumblingblock of so many rookie authors is that they are paralyzed by the process and unable to do anything themselves. I require no hand holding.
If you think you can do so much better, you are welcome to try.
Dear Mr. Horne,
I commend you for the amount of preparation you’ve undertaken to succeed as an author, and wish you well in your future endeavors. Unfortunately, your vision doesn’t seem to be a good fit for me so I’m going to pass on representing you.
Please don’t take this personally as the publishing industry is highly subjective and I am simply looking to take on projects that excite me on a deep and personal level. There may well be an agent out there that is just right for you, and I hope you find them.
By the way, I never recommended self-deprecation as a strategy for finding an agent. But I will say that I strongly dislike megaphones, especially when the people behind them “insist” that they “deserve” to use them. I’m sorry, but that approach just doesn’t impress me.
All the best,
Not-your-agent
Maybe you won’t need a query letter. If you keep talking about yourself and your work in the right places (whether in person or online), a literary agent might notice you. I saw the previous comments and I understand where he’s coming from. He’s not the right agent for you, but someone out there is. Maybe there’s an agent out there poking around on social media looking for someone just like you right now. I wish you luck!
I certainly hope that’s right.
Because I’m going to keep talking about myself, in every imaginable forum. After all, might as well cover all the bases.
OK, guys , let me bring you up to speed on the latest mini-trend among writers out here: Whereas, a couple of agents in the past year have been overheard saying stuff like, “I’m basically over the whole “query” thing,” and “I get really annoyed when someone sends me a snappy query and the manuscript doesn’t live up to expectations”, PLUS, the fact that the zeitgeist is lunching in the breakdown lane with 4 flat tires-the lack of excitement over the past 2 years is almost physically palpable,,,Most agents are living off the fat of the last high cycle and don’t really need our business, full stop.
What’s for snappy fly-fishermen like ourselves to do,assuming there’s any water in the stream? What I’m doing is a tease-the cat title, plus a gender-ambiguous pseudonym, all in a one-sentence intro line. After that, a what-you-see-is-what-you-get sample chapter, full stop. If you’re good, bored curiosity will cause them to read all the way to the end, whereas a query/sales pitch will merely strain their limited attention span and if it’s “good” get you thrown off the premises for showing off. Such are the times as they temporarily are, so learn how to drop the mike with flair, and walk off stage before they know what’s hit them. Message ends………………………………….
A gender-ambiguous pseudonym? Why not make it racially ambiguous as well? Why not call yourself Kelly Mbasa Gonzalez Fujiwara? That’d really pique an agent’s interest, don’t you think?
But then, imagine the downer when they discover that you’re just another nerdy white dude from nowhere USA who wants to write SFF. Think about it hard enough and you can even hear the trombones go: womp, womp, womp, womp!
In my view, it is never a good idea to be disingenuous with agents. That is no way to start a relationship with somebody you hope to be in business with for a long time.
Then again, an unsolicited querry letter is also a bad way to establish a business relationship… it gives the agent all the power, which is to their liking, I think.
This is why Alan’s strategy of being loud and conspicuously sure of himself will probably fail. He wants to force agents to take notice of him in a way that he thinks will level the playing field a bit and give him more power. But if I were an agent, I wouldn’t want to let go of my power. I think Alan would do better to try and romance them but that is something he knows absolutely nothing about.
Not to dash Alan’s dreams of becoming a traditionally published novelist, but at some point he might want to see what happens when he takes everything he’s learned about social media over the last few years and apply it to self-publishing.
There are lots of good reasons to self publish, and I reserve the right to.
But while—to a degree—all books are vanity projects, there is room for selfless motivations in publishing.
The book I’m currently shopping around is not only a good story well written, I believe it may be helpful to a lot of people. I want to put copies of it in every bookstore, as I believe there are certain young people who have been waiting for this exact story.
I don’t have a problem with self publishing. I just want to give this book the best chance it can get.
Actually, the gender-ambiguous pseudonym arose out of my wife pointing out about a year and a half ago that Kevin A. Lewis had all the ring of a CPA in Zanesville, OH, and a not-very-well concealed hostility on the part of some agencies these days to any and all things dude-ish. Since, for better or worse, my spacecraft orbits around the YA star system, it’s best to be non-specific till the gold is on the table, and if they don’t like ti afterwards, later days, sucka…………..