Still Alive
It’s been a long time.
Well, not that long, honestly. It’s been less than a month since my last post, but that is FOREVER in internet years.
And I haven’t been making the blog a priority, because it gets me much less engagement than my Twitter account (although it contains A LOT more valuable information). People just can’t be bothered to read an entire article, even when doing so would benefit them immensely.
But I have reason to believe that may change going forward. This is going to be a fascinating year for me, and one side effect will be people combing over my old blog posts, hoping to find out more about me.
Why all the backlog raiding? Because this is the year I get famous.
I’m Gonna Live ForevAH
Most first-time authors are not famous. Most self-published authors are not famous. And it goes without saying that first-time, self-published authors are doubly unlikely to strike fame.
And I have already explained how I am going to buck that trend. Several times, even.
A good publicity push and a well selling book should be enough for people to “discover” me. And then they can comment ad nauseum about whether any of my wisdom was really up to snuff. And I can only imagine what kinds of reactions they will have, once they see my eclectic collection of old blog posts.
So, in the spirit of fun and games, why don’t we try to predict their reactions now? The few regular readers of my blog will have a front-row seat to the festivities as newcomers try to make sense of that whacky Mr. Horne fellow. And it shouldn’t be hard to guess what the reactions of the masses will be, once they see all the things I have already written.
I will list my predictions here in this post. Feel free to put yours in the comments.
Prediction #1: Hooked on a Feeling Will Find Lots of New Fans
As my most useful miniseries, Hooked on a Feeling will likely find friends, once enough people know it exists.
As I have stated before, I plan to eventually turn my writing advice into books in their own right. Hooked on a Feeling will doubtlessly become one of these books (though I may need to change the title—too many trademarked properties already use that name).
The miniseries makes the case for why all good writing is an exercise in emotional manipulation, and gives easy-to-follow instructions for making that happen while being entertaining reads. I suspect a lot of writers will be attracted to it, and even non-writing laymen will appreciate the information it imparts.
Prediction #2: A Unified Theory of Poetry Will Be Universally Derided
Confession time: I once showed my multi-part post, A Unified Theory of Poetry to a bunch of poets, and they universally hated it. They’re reasons ranged from the semi-reasonable (“This flies in the face of poetic theory”) the the unreasonable (“Nonpoets should not be allowed to speculate on the nature of poetry”), but it seems obvious to me that the poetry professionals were not fans.
(Of course, I could similarly argue that poets are going extinct precisely because they are calcified against examining their art form in new ways. Just sayin’, guys.)
And while the posts certainly have great (if non-obvious merit) I expect most people to be unwilling to explore it.
Prediction #3: People Will Continue to Ignore Hints
I would say that most writers do not like to be told the truth directly. But, frankly, that applies to all people.
The Hints miniseries, in many ways, contains far more concentrated knowledge than Hooked on a Feeling. Each Hint is presented as a practical answer to an existential question about writing. And objectively correct answers frighten people.
They frighten people so much, in fact, that blog readers will not even be able to deride or attack the Hints miniseries. They will simply keep pretending that it does not exist.
I have learned from sad experience that most amateur authors do not want to become any better. They want to be told that the stuff they’re putting out right now is wonderful, that it is THE WORLD who is wrong for not recognizing their genius, and that they should just be patient and wait for people to catch on. This is why most wannabe writers cannot make use of the Hints.
The few who do read and follow them will end up becoming bestselling authors, however.
Prediction #4: No One Will Know How to Feel about The Tragic Tale of Dr. Heliogabalus
High-concept writing is often the enemy of the audience. People don’t usually want to be taken to wondrous and wacky places. One rather famous study proved that four out of five children would rather die from a series of industrial accidents in a chocolate factory than inherit said factory from its eccentric owner.
Frankly, most people do not want to be in a world of pure imagination.
As such, The Tragic Tale of Dr. Heliogabalus may one day find a cult following, but for now will be written off as silliness unworthy of public attention.
Prediction #5: Disney Will Buy the Rights to Muppets: Infinity War and Make It into a Movie
It’s my blog. I’m allowed to make whatever predictions I want.
And I fully expect people of all nationalities and creeds to understand what an overlooked opportunity Disney had in Muppets: Infinity War. And the overwhelming consumer demand to retroactively film and produce it will force the studio to take action.
I dare you to disagree!
Prediction #6: The Last Motivational Speech Will Become Required Reading for all College Students
I don’t write a lot of Chicken-Soup-for-the-Soul-type stuff. It’s just not my wheelhouse.
But what little life-affirming stuff I have written, I have written from the heart. And The Last Motivational Speech is, in my estimation, the greatest example of such literature ever written. It is the only follow-your-dreams roadmap that controls for, and preemptively prevents, impostor syndrome.
And, as far as I can tell, it is the only practical exorcism anyone has ever developed against that particular disease. Most other advice boils down to “try to ignore those feelings of not being good enough”, and I shouldn’t have to tell you that THAT never works.
As such, I imagine that educators will be the first to discover the merit of my humble blog post, and will embrace it as a tool to instill hope and positivity in their students. The post will be networked this way until it becomes part of the standard curriculum.
Prediction #7: People Will Try to Assign All Sorts of Motivations to Me
I am acutely aware of the public delusions that are placed upon authors. I have written about it before.
And, knowing how the harpies of social media don’t understand boundaries, and see every public figure as their own personal property, it stands to reason that they will start a worldwide manhunt to discover what “side” I am on.
Now, I expect most human people to simply not care, because human people generally don’t. The typical consumer, as a human person is mostly interested in whether the product your selling catches their fancy. But the handful of lonely losers, operating hundreds of sock puppet accounts to make themselves look as if they are a powerful plurality, will try to assign beliefs to me, then hate me for supposedly having them.
Luckily, I am inoculated against such insanity, and am not so easily cowed or controlled.
That Was Fun
With all my blog posts, I hope to get a reaction. And in the coming year, those reactions might start pouring in. I look forward to it all.
What do you think will happen? What’s stopping you from going down to comments and making your own predictions?
I look forward to that, as well.
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